Joy

Joy: the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires : delight b : the expression or exhibition of such emotion : gaiety

2: a state of happiness or felicity : bliss

3: a source or cause of delight 

 Joy is what makes life livable.

 Laughter and jokes and sarcasm and humor and a vision to see life with eyes of faith.  To see the joy in the pain, the humor in the sickness, the chance to laugh at ourselves when we need to.  To take a day off and encourage my more serious friends to do the same.  To tell a story or listen to one that takes me up on the mountain for a view of what is really going on with life.   There have been some heavy things on my heart lately, some fears I have been dealing with and  I wrote a friend about it and I'd like you to read what she sent to me.  It brought tears to my eyes, made me laugh, and overwhelmed me with gratitude for friends such as these.

Rach, we live in such a broken world, with broken people encased in time which only erodes and works against us. We'd have to shut ourselves down completely not to experience pain from it and in our effort to try we'd miss the most beautiful reason for living--the glimpse of grace. I'm encouraging your heart to step into the world angels can only dream of. Feel, experience, cry, laugh, be courageous, be totally scared, be filled with sorrow or complete joy--but all along the ride of being a human made in the image of a living God, know WHO and WHAT Christ is, here and now, and all that it means. Being in the mess is heading for the front row seats. He's going to show himself and the deeper we go, the better the view. But we don't only see. We'll know and knowing involves much more than just sight. This is our time, Rach. Let's pick up our torches and run, grab a hold of someone when we can't keep the pace anymore and eventually break the tape into the kingdom where complete and perfect rest and peace await. 

 

"Being in the mess is heading for the front row seats."  My favorite line.  The one that brings a smile to my face.  Because what my friend was showing me was that I could look at this situation differently.   That perspective comes only from a woman who has walked it and seen God's faithfulness.  I have seen it too, and tonight I remind myself, and you, that He is faithful.  So we can be joyful.  He is the Savior, (not us), so we can take a day off!

Last Minute Hero

 This is a picture of my three oldest about 4 years ago.

My three oldest kids go to classes at the Learning Center on Tuesdays.  They are often sent home with homework, (please, I'm a homeschooling mom, I don't DO homework) and we never get to it during the week.
Inevitably Tuesday morning at 8:30am when I say, "Kids, get your backpacks and get in the car", Hannah and Jack come up to me with a panicked look and say, "Mom, I have to do my homework".
So I decided to give them the responsibility.  "Kids, when you come home from the Learning Center on Tuesdays, we need to do your homework that night so we don't forget."
Last Tuesday Jackson came home, told me he had homework, and even prepped all the ingredients for me.  And I didn't do it with him.  Mom-fail.
So 8:30 rolled around this morning and with a trembling lip, Jack reminded me that he had homework.  He was supposed to make GACK.  If he shows up to the Learning Center without it, it's not a good thing.    And Jackson is such a people lover/pleaser that it breaks his 9 year old heart to not do what he is supposed to do.  Hannah is supposed to do it too, but she doesn't quite care as much as Jack.  She's got other goals.
So we crammed in the car with a bag of paper towels, a bowl, a measuring spoon, and some Borax.  We screeched into Vons, (Safeway) and purchased two bottles of glue, asked for some hot water from the Starbucks counter, and we sure mixed up a big bowl of GACK right on the sidewalk outside of Vons.  A mobile science lab, if you will.  I gave a brief speech about polymers, put the GACK into Ziploc baggies and my children were sent off to their classes prepared.  (you can Google GACK if you'd like to make your own)
The smiles on their faces, and especially the relief in Jack's,  was my highlight of the day.  We even made it on time!
HERO.  That's me.
Now if you will refer to my last posts...I am trying to get places on time....do things ahead of time...eliminate stress...and all that.   It was lucky we got there on time, but let's not focus on that.
Then later my battery died out side the gym, and again outside the grocery store, and after two battery jumps  I had to talk to the husband about spending money on a battery.  or an alternator.  So we have to do the budget and talk about money so I took Juliet and Ben out for pizza and had a sangria for lunch even though I gave up drinking yesterday. 
  Just a day in the life of the Goodman's.  Not many have the stomach for it. 

they saved the back row for us; part 2

As I wrote tonight of the love I'm experiencing in community, I'm reminded of a time when I was struggling. (just one other time)
I escaped out of the house and found myself on the way to a church close by.  I was so hungry to hear from God, to sense His presence, to find peace.  I sneaked in the back after the service had started, (I know, late again) and found a seat a little off to the side and in the back.  I had let my shoulders drop, taken a big sigh and my eyes began to fill up with tears.  Ahh, sweet love of God.  At that moment, a woman came up, touched my shoulder and said, "Ma'am, you can't sit here".  "Why?", I inquired.  "We need everyone to sit in the middle section."  I said, "Can I please just stay here?".  "I'm sorry ma'am, you're not allowed to sit here."  I stood up and walked quickly out, the tears streaming down my face.
What was going to be a healing time was stolen. I wasn't going to jam myself into a pew with 20 other people that night.  I was too tender.
I hear of many people eschewing organized religion.  I understand where they are coming from.  I know that lady was just doing her job, but she missed the bigger picture.  She forgot that the church is the people.  She thought it was a well functioning service program with the pews filled properly.  What a tragedy.  The only redemption is that I'm glad it was me.  I can separate the people from the message if necessary.  But there are others who can't.  I hope they are not herded and handled but are loved and healed just as I was when the back row was especially saved for me.

they saved the back row for us

"What would the church be like if we erred from  an excess of compassion rather than from a stingy and legalistic lack of it?"  -Brennan Manning

Do you ever feel like you're going to get in trouble?  As an adult?  It's a weird feeling.  What's even weirder is that the main place I have felt like that as an adult is in the fellowship of the church.  I'm always waiting for the proverbial hammer to drop.  Someone is going to confront me, tell me where I need to change, "speak the truth in love".     And, truth be told, anything they could confront me on is nothing compared to the actual depth of sin in me that I know all too well.  I am struggling with it, fighting against it, fighting against the condemnation that threatens to come, the self-hatred that is so easy to come up in me.  I'm reading "A Glimpse of Jesus: the Stranger to Self Hatred" by Brennan Manning.  It is a very timely book for me, and it's going to work on my heart big time.  It was given to me by a dear friend in our church family.  We have been journeying for about 8 months with  Madison St. Church, around the corner from our house, located on Madison St. incidentally, and it's been so healing for me.  These brothers and sisters know what it is to follow Jesus.  Truly.

They make us feel so at home, so loved and accepted.  We were the only family with small children up until a month ago and they have surrounded us with care and compassion, loved on our kids, encouraged us in our parenting, and laughed at our children's antics.  Since we have many to get out the door, it's somewhat challenging to get to church on time.  9am is a bit early to have everyone fed, bathed, bright eyed and bushy tailed.  So we straggle in about 9:15-9:25ish.  (emphasis on the "ish) and since there are no seats left, we make a big commotion as we take the front row.   We have been greeted each time with smiles, and love and after church, someone always says something positive to us.  But I don't like it.  I don't like to be late.  I don't like to impose on the good graces of our fellowship.  I don't want to distract them from worship, I don't want to take the focus off Jesus, I want my kids to be quiet, I want everyone to just GET IN THE CAR!!!!!!

I've been known to be late pretty much my whole life and for a while it was a bit of a funny reputation but now, it's not amusing to me.  I want to be different, conscientious,  prompt.  Which means I have to get out of bed just a wee bit earlier.  And there we have the problem.  I know it.  It's not rocket science Rach.  Set your alarm, get up 20 minutes earlier and you won't be 20 minutes late to church.  I'm sure each person who is on time Sunday mornings could have solved the problem for me.  But no one said anything.  I was not confronted.  No one even joked sarcastically about it with us.  There was some good teasing but it was so loving.  Last week, I did it.  I got up.  Peacefully served breakfast and we were at church on time.  And there I found grace in motion.  The last row was tastefully saved with sheets of paper that said, "reserved for late comers".  Which is basically us.  All 7 of us.  We didn't ask for that special treatment and concern.  We got it because our brothers and sisters love us even in our weakness, they meet us where we are, and love us there.
Granted, we were quite the distraction and someone might have been trying to figure out a way to not have us disrupt worship every week but of the two solutions, confronting us or saving the back row, they chose the latter.  And guess what.  I want to make the effort even more now.  Because I have been shown grace. ( I'm not guaranteeing an on-time arrival, let's just get that straight).  But I am given a chance to love myself just as I am in the middle of my weakness, because that's how God loves me and that's how my neighbor just loved me.  Powerful.

Brennan Manning again:
"Jesus cuts to the chase: 'So then, if you are bringing your offering to the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar go and be reconciled with your brother first, and then come back and present your offering' (Matt. 5:23-24).  What a terrifying reversal of religious priorities!  The worship of God and the time of religious practice are subordinated to reconciliation with one's brother; the value of community worship in the sight of God--independent of the caliber of the music, the effectiveness of the preaching, and the imaginative design of the banners--is measured by the quality of life and love in the community of faith."

"The Christian's warmth and congeniality, nonjudgmental attitude, and welcoming love may well be the catalyst allowing the healing power of Jesus to become operative in the life of an alienated, forlorn brother or sister."

Brothers and Sisters, let's put on love.  Let's lay aside the raised eyebrows and criticisms, and let's lay down the role of Holy Spirit.  It was never ours to play.  Let's trust God a little more and love extravagantly.  Let's take a lesson from the father of the prodigal son and fall on the necks of sinners who have returned home.  We have been forgiven so much, how can we not extend that to others? 
 ^{Matt 18:21} Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”  ²² Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
   ²³ “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. ²⁴ As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. ²⁵ Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.
   ²⁶ “At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ ²⁷ The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.
   ²⁸ “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.
   ²⁹ “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’
   ³⁰ “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. ³¹ When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.
   ³² “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. ³³ Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ ³⁴ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
   ³⁵ “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”
I LOVE you Madison St. Church with all my heart! 

What I learned from my brother this weekend.

I love my brother.  I'm crazy about him.  He is two years younger than me but he's way taller than me, a fact my children try often to reconcile.  "Uncle Jason is taller than you mommy, but you're older than him, right?"  When you're a kid, bigger equals older.
Jason came to visit me this past weekend and it was a gift.  We understand each other in the way only siblings can.  We've seen it all together, each others first loves, school basketball games, mission trips, our parents divorces and remarriages, weddings, divorces, babies, trips, ups, downs, poverty, struggle, laughter, deep talks, many glasses of wine.  We've both tried to make sense of it all in our own ways.  Through it all Jesus has walked by us, each step of the way, loving us, comforting us, keeping us.  That has looked different for me than it has for my brother but Jesus is the same and he has never left us.
Jason has a saying called "being present".  He has many sayings actually, but I really like that one.  It means, when he is with me, he really is there, mind, body, heart.  He is a listener. If he has an agenda, I don't know it.  He asks great questions, is always ready to offer advice if he senses it will help.  He has helped me in so many ways, too many to list here.  But this weekend I realized I have judged him.  I have taken a few things I saw in his life and put him neatly into a box...something he JUST loves.  wink wink.  We went out to breakfast for my birthday, Jason, Hutch, and I and then picked up mom at the airport, never stopping for a minute the intense dialogue between us.  We were so busy talking deep, that we just drove around and eventually ended up in a parking lot, between Chick-fil-A, and In-n-Out Burger.  (could there be a better parking lot?  I submit, there cannot.)

Jason was sharing his heart and said he'd like to have a tattoo of a question mark on his shoulder to symbolize his search.  The questions are so important, in his estimation.  At this point, I can't talk fast enough, because for me, answers are important.  If I could get a tattoo of an answer on my shoulder, I would, although I don't know what symbolizes that.  Maybe an ass.   But I digress.

I'm tearing up, I want my brother, who is my very heart, to KNOW, really KNOW some answers.  To have a clear path forward.   But he isn't there in that place right now.  He knows some things that are important, like family, love, God.  But he is on a journey.  One that, up til this weekend, I was not on with him because of my viewpoint.
I'm sorry Jason.  I'm sorry I've missed out on YOU.  Your heart, your view, your thoughts, your struggles.
I won't be making that mistake again.  At one point  mom shares her experience and it's so true..."every time I've given someone unsolicited advice, it's taken as criticism".  She has been listening to Hutch, Jason and me dialogue and isn't saying much.  I know she's praying in her heart, she often prays for us.  She taught me this weekend that relying on prayer is the best course of action.  But back to my little brother.

We had more wonderful talks over the weekend, and never got to bed early and we didn't care.  There is enough coffee.  Sunday morning we all go to church and after singing "The Power of Your Love"  which is a song that a) I've never heard sung in my church up til this point, and b) a song that my brother and I sang together for the first time in high school and were very touched by it.  After a few more songs, we sit down and a man gets up and says, "today we will be talking about questions".  The importance of questions.  My eyes fill with tears.  We all, mom, Jason, Hutch and I, exchange meaningful looks.  God knew.  As I sat and listened, my first instinct was to think, "wow, a service tailor made for my brother!"  We were just talking about questions and here we are, listening to a sermon about them!!

As the service went on, it became patently clear that the message was for ME, and not my brother.  This was not a case of "turn to your neighbor and say, 'he's talkin to you'".  This was, "RACHEL...you're not comfortable with the questions, but I am.  I AM."

My pattern is to fix.  To talk, figure, "help".
I learned this weekend from my brother that:
I need to listen more.
I need to be present.
To trust God more and myself less.
To love wholeheartedly.
To love someone even when they don't listen to you.
To let go of my illusion of control.
To understand the difference between the ideal and where I am and be ok with that.
To make steps toward the ideal and live with the process.
To ask questions.
As we went back over some of our individual histories,I asked Jason, "how have you seen God working through all this?".  He responded that no one has asked him that question.  It broke my heart.  How many friends do we have that we miss their hearts because we haven't stopped to ask them how it really is?  Let me tell you, I will be asking him that question more often.
Talking less, listening more, praying more.

I love you Jason, God gave me an amazing gift when he gave me you.  Thank you for all you teach me.

here's the song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eA4narr2wyE&feature=related

What do I want most in the world?

That's easy...WORLD peace.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3st-Hai1y54
My mom and I love this clip, we quote it all the time.

Letting alone in child training

Henry Clay Trumbull, a very wise man, wrote a book called "Hints on Child Training".  I really like the title because he doesn't presume to know it all.  He just has some hints for me that might help.

Letting alone in child training is one such hint.  It's so right.  So scary.  So have-to-trust-God.  My fears threaten to surface when I see issues in my children.  I want to go after them and root them out.  But letting alone, letting God work, trusting Him with my babies, this is what I'm called to do.  Today I had the privilege of going to Disneyland with Juliet and Benji for Benji's 4th birthday.  Our passes expire and this is one of the last weeks we can go.  Both of them are so effusive in their thankfulness and excitement, it's such a joy to take them.  But, as all children do, they reached their "all-done" point, and it was right about the same time I reached mine.  And we still had to walk to the car.  Ben had just received a bubble-blowing gun and he was happily shooting bubbles and walking slowly but Juliet had nothing to distract her. She asked me to carry her, but she is just too big to carry for long distances.  We had only walked about 1/4 of the way back to the car and Juliet just collapsed on the ground and refused to go another step.  I got frustrated.  (it was over 90 degrees) (and I struggle with sin still...occasionally)
I came down a little hard on her.  "Juliet, I CAN'T carry you dear, you must walk.  Come on, get up."  For some reason that didn't' work.  I tried a little more forcefully, "GET UP Juliet!"  We have to go get the kids, they are waiting for us!"  Still no results, just a crumpled up 5 year old.  

Now, at this point, genius kicks in.  Or Holy Spirit.  Or 10 years of child rearing.  Whatever it was, I changed from my usual in-your-face method and went to the distraction method which I have seen many people do when they needed to deal face to face with an issue and  have eschewed it.  But today it worked so beautifully.  I asked Ben if he would be so kind as to share his new gun.  He complied, (I LOVE that kid) and she was ok to walk a bit.  I then discovered our mandarin oranges in the bag and I peeled them and fed them to her segment by segment as we walked to the car.  Without another complaint.  My goal was to train my dear little girl to be tough.  But sometimes I don't feel tough.  It sometimes feels impossible to put one foot in front of the other.  So a little orange segment to delight and distract me would be just the ticket.  Here you go...get up...here is a toy...take a few steps...GOOD JOB...here is an orange...lets keep going...here is another one...let's sing a song...we're almost there...you're so tough...here is another orange...ok...just about there...we're HERE!!! ....GREAT JOB...you are so strong girl...what a blessing you are...how amazing it is that you walked ALL THE WAY to the car!!!

Juliet accomplished what I wanted her to, and she is stronger because of it.  I am wiser, and I realize that, just like me, she needs to take her eyes off the problem and while she is delighting in something delicious...just walk.  What a gift my children are to me.  How they teach me to look to Him; to the gifts He gives me to enable me to walk.  It brings me such joy to be able to report that words of blessing and praise were what my little girl heard.  It breaks my heart to say that is not always the case.  Often I speak words of discouragement, or in a tone of disapproval I harp on little things.  A lovely flower cannot grow in that environment.

Trumbull talks about letting alone.  This today was more distraction and doesn't exactly fit with what he writes about, but the underlying issue is the same.  Give our little plants some plant food and water and then shine the sunshine of love and acceptance on them and watch them blossom.

Henry Clay Trumbull's excerpt can be found here:
http://books.google.com/books?id=WpZLAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA83&lpg=PA83&dq=henry+clay+trumbull+letting+alone+in+child+training&source=bl&ots=kNylzqQw3x&sig=3BMFpkdc154Eyu1cbBMgapXWal4&hl=en&ei=893ATZXWDe_RiALasNSHAw&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CBsQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q&f=false

helping others

I'm always ready for a disaster.  Always ready for something exciting, a memory to be created, a catastrophe to avert.  It makes life fun to expect the unexpected.  When you have a large family, this is an important readiness-skill to have.    My car ran out of battery juice at Trader Joes tonight and I needed a jump-start.  I stood outside my car and waited for a nice person.  The first one drove into the empty spot next to me and I explained to her I needed help, and could she either help me or leave the spot next to me open for someone else to help me.  I stood next to her car and she didn't answer, just looked straightforward, then looked at me, waved her arm around and shouted, "get out of my way" as she backed out of the spot.  So...you're saying you can't help.

Next two people didn't even slow down to see if they could possibly help.  Me:  "Excuse me, could you give me a jump, my car battery died.  I have cables, and I know how to do it."   Woman: "no, I don't think so".
Me: Same question Man:  "I don't think my car could start that big thing". 
me: same question  Woman #2:  "oh, I really can't".  I'm a little too put off at this moment to ask, "um...why can't you?"  I just can't take any more rejection.
At this point, I really hate California.

Finally a very tall woman in her 60's in a large Cadillac pulls up beside me and I ask her for help.  I tell her that I've asked four other people and they've all said no.  She is flabbergasted.  Then she has an epiphany.  "Were they women?"  she asks.  "Most of them were", I reply.  "Well, that explains it", she says, "women aren't good for sh%*"!  She puts out her cigarette and begins a steady stream of profanities as she pops the hood of her caddy, and we both try to figure out how to get the protective cover off the engine so we can get to the battery.  By this time I love her, and I love the irony.  The other people were clean cut, seemingly nice on the outside but not even willing to slow down to help.  Here is this caddy-driving, potty-mouthed, cigarette-smoking woman who knows a thing or two about life and about helping others.(and about women apparently)

We got my car started in spite of a random man coming over and inserting himself forcefully in front of me to make sure the cables were hooked on properly.  They were.  Me and my new friend exchanged a look.   I tried to be thankful for his "help" and not insulted that just because I am a woman, he felt I  "needed" his assistance.  (I do want to encourage the men of the world to be chivalrous).   After the cables were put away and the hoods closed, we stayed in the parking lot and chatted for a while.  She had lots of good advice to give me, and lots of stories to tell.  We connected.

Next time I'm in a crisis, or I have the chance to meet someone new, I will be less offended at those who don't help me or show kindness and pray that God sends me just the right one, to show me His uniqueness and humor and give me a picture that life always brings us the unexpected. And who knows, the one who is helping me might need more help than I.

up to this point

I've been writing off and on for a few years, first on myspace, then on Facebook.  I've copied all the entries from both and published them here.  They are in chronological order with the date in the title, even though they look like they were all published today!  I will blog on here in the future and link it to Facebook since I have a number of friends who are not on FB.   I hope you are blessed and encouraged in some way by these writings and that Jesus is always glorified, in my joy and in my struggles.  Please comment profusely, share your thoughts and ideas, I love to hear them.  As I went back and reread all these, I was particularly blessed by all the comments that I received.  I have such a wonderful community of people who love me and are for me.  What a gift.  As soon as we get a working camera I will post some recent pictures of our ducks and our adventures.

Pumpkin Waffles from Vegan with a Vengance by Isa Chandra Moskowitz 10/27/2010

2 1/2 cups flour
2 1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
2 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp ginger
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1/4 tsp cloves
2 cups rice/soy/almond/cow/goat milk  :)
1 15oz can pumpkin
1/3 cup oil
1/3 cup brown sugar
2 tsp vanilla
Mix dry ingredients except brown sugar.  In a separate bowl mix the rest, incl brown sugar and whisk vigorously.  Pour wet ingr. into dry and mix.  Cook on a waffle iron. Try not to eat them all.  They also freeze really well, i always make a double batch even though this recipe makes a lot.  (24 regular waffles or 12 Belgian)

Do the Next Thing 3/28/2011

A poem quoted by Elisabeth Elliot...one of my favorites and a treasure for moms with vision that tarries.
Do The Next Thing

"At an old English parsonage down by the sea,
there came in the twilight a message to me.
Its quaint Saxon legend deeply engraven
has, as it seems to me, teaching from heaven.
And all through the hours the quiet words ring,
like a low inspiration, 'Do the next thing.'


Many a questioning, many a fear,
many a doubt hath its quieting here.
Moment by moment, let down from heaven,
time, opportunity, guidance are given.
Fear not tomorrow, child of the King,
trust that with Jesus, do the next thing.


Do it immediately, do it with prayer,
do it reliantly, casting all care.
Do it with reverence, tracing His hand,
who placed it before thee with earnest command.
Stayed on omnipotence, safe 'neath His wing,
leave all resultings, do the next thing.


Looking to Jesus, ever serener,
working or suffering be thy demeanor,
in His dear presence, the rest of His calm,
the light of His countenance, be thy psalm.
Strong in His faithfulness, praise and sing.
Then, as He beckons thee
Do the next thing."

Adventures at Starbucks 3/26/2011

My friend Cyndi and I were chatting at a local Starbucks when a commotion caught our eyes.  A young girl, early 20's, who worked at Starbucks was ordering a man out of "her store".  "Please leave now", she said.  He looked fairly normal, until he looked right at Cyndi and I and said, "I want your heads".  At that point we both looked down, and at each other, pretending we didn't hear and hoping he was just talking to the window, or he was crazy.  It turns out, he was  a little excitable.  The Starbucks workers said he's been in before and is harmless but when someone wants your head, you can't be too careful.  The gal locked the door and the man stayed right outside the door, looking right at us, mouthing, "I want your heads" and making cutting motions with his finger to his head.    The Starbucks employees reassured us the police were on the way, and even now, their security guard was outside if we wanted to walk safely to our cars.  "SECURITY GUARD"!!!,   Cyndi exclaimed, "I wouldn't trust them...I was a security guard once"! (she is a tiny woman)  We had a good laugh about that and when the police car showed up, we made our exit. As we were walking out, the man points and gestures at me and says, "and she stole my credit card"!!  The large, female police officer, who was writing a ticket to the man, ignored him and said, "Sir, all I know is that you are a convicted felon in possession of a stolen shopping cart".   I didn't stick around for the rest, and we both walked quickly to our cars laughing.

I just want to give the man some sympathy and say, "Sir, whoever you are, I understand.  I am a little crazy in the head too sometimes, and I have a "normal" life.  If I was a felon and all my possessions were in a shopping cart from a 99cent store, I would want someone's head too".

Angst 3/24/2010

Do you ever feel like something just isn't quite right, but it's hard to put your finger on exactly what it is? I've felt that way for a while now and I've come to the conclusion that life just makes you feel like that sometimes. It could be a holy discontent, the Lord leading you in a certain way, or it could be a longing for our real home. It could be a teaching time, a time of learning to trust and lean on Jesus when things don't feel right, or it could be sin, that needs a drop kick at the foot of the cross. It could be a rest is needed from the fight, or a sign that you need to fight with different weapons. (The weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but are mighty, to the pulling down of strongholds.)

My battle is always in my thought life, what I am choosing to believe. And I'm off because I have failed to remember. That was the Israelite's problem too, they forgot what God did for them. So today, I remind myself. It's sweet to trust Him, to know He's in control, He's making me "a mountain that cannot be shaken". He speaks of "the removing of those things which can be shaken, as of created things, so that those things which cannot be shaken may remain". My prayer today is Lord, continue to shake me, my heart, my life, my ambitions, my desires so that truly what cannot be shaken will remain. I know that is quite a risky prayer, on par with "Lord, humble me" but those who have prayed those prayers and have come out on the other side of the answer to that prayer are never sorry.

He says to me, "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you. Many are the woes of the wicked but the Lords unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him."

I choose to believe, really believe that He is with me, He is for me, He loves me. I choose to really believe that this life is a mist, and my true home is elsewhere. I choose to really believe that His promises are true, even if I don't see them fulfilled now.

I left for California June 12 last year, so I've been gone from my hometown for nine months. I feel like I'm pregnant again and I feel the angst at the end when it's time, you're ready but it's not coming, and the waiting is endless. I want to see God's kingdom come, I want to see people brought into the Kingdom life, I want to see change. I want to see the Kingdom come in power, I want to see the hand of the Lord here where I was led by my Father. I long for that like a mother longs to hold her newborn baby and count the sweet fingers and toes. I want to see the goodness of the Lord. And yet I wait. And I choose to trust. And I hear "it's not time yet, but soon, very soon". One thing is for sure, I am not going to miss it. And another thing...I'm going to have fun while I wait for it!

He came that we would have LIFE to the fullest!

The Lord encouraged me through my shoes yesterday 2/1/2010

Sometimes, a thought feels like it "hits" me in the head, out of nowhere, and it's not something I was thinking. I conclude that these are usually from my Father. (as long as they sound like Him) ;)

Yesterday I was sitting in church and looking at my shoes. They are green suede with little tassels on the front and they are pretty cute. There were a gift from my friend Bekah, who is a shoe-worshiper, much like myself. Interesting gift, a pair of shoes. I don't know how many of you have received shoes as a gift, but I don't think it's in the top ten suggestions for gifts. But for me, it's significant. Last week, I received another pair of shoes as a gift, and as I began to think back on my life, shoes are sortof a theme.

As a young girl, I loved playing dress-up and my grandma and her sister were both super stylish and had tiny feet so when I visited, I could wear all their high-heeled, sparkly shoes. I was in heaven. They both had so many shoes, I would guess at least 50 pairs each. I was a flower girl for my Dad's cousins wedding and we were at his aunts house in a preparation time of some sort. I didn't care, I was in the closet, picking out shoes. I came running in the kitchen, slipped on the rug and bashed my front teeth out on the stool, just a few weeks before the wedding! The pictures are quite funny. (now they're funny, but when you're planning a perfect, beautiful wedding, you don't want your flower girl's face bashed in or her teeth missing)

In high school, my friend Charles lived with his grandma and she had foot surgery and ended up giving away about 15 pairs of shoes, to me! They were really nice and really expensive and some of them didn't fit me...but I wore them anyway. Just a few weeks ago, a coworker of Hutch gave us some hand-me down clothes and in the bags were a pair of Uggs. I'm not a brand-name buyer, but I do know those are expensive and I was pretty excited to get them. There were a size 6 and I wore them anyway. ( I wear size 9) After a bit of pondering, I decided that I needed to let go of the thought that I would own something that trendy, and gave them away to a friend. I'm sure my feet will thank me later! I shared this story with another friend and we laughed together at my antics. But, she went to Costco and got me some beautiful boots, just like the Uggs, but in my size! They are so great and comfortable.

As all these thoughts flashed through my mind, God told me, "Just walk, I will give you what you need."
It was so clear, so tender, so HIM. "Just walk, I will give you what you need."
And He reminded me of the scripture my mom spoke over me when I left for California. She was laughing that I was painting my toes at the going-away party but I was so excited to be going to flip-flop country and I wanted my feet to look pretty. And the Lord brought to her mind
7 How beautiful upon the mountains
Are the feet of him who brings good news,
Who proclaims peace,
Who brings glad tidings of good things,
Who proclaims salvation,
Who says to Zion,

“ Your God reigns!"

In his tender way, God again reminded me to
" Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one.

But He also told me that He would provide. As he has in the past, given me beautiful shoes that I didn't need but that delighted my heart, He will again, give me what I need and more.

Monday 1/18/2010

1 cup raw soaked steel cut oats with honey cinnamon and almond milk (that I make myself)
1 cup almond milk/ berry smoothie
1 large slice of homemade pizza (ww/cornmeal crust, homemade marinara and tj's pizza sauce, pepperoni, mozarella, 2 cups romaine with Caesar dressing
english breakfast tea with honey and almond milk
1/2 cup baby carrots
  Lara bar, apple pie flavor
a few corn chips and a slice of cheddar
sauteed marinara with chicken and turkey meatballs (homemade last week)
I ate too late but I had to get to Costco before it closed.

Pretty proud of my day, it's the best one so far. I had a spotty night of sleep but somehow I made it through without coffee! The thought of writing this to you all keeps me many times from over indulging. Today, the morning was stressful, we're trying to get more school in than normal since I'm going to be gone and that was challenging. We found a CD that Song gave us from IHOP and it has a song on it called "we have the best Dad in the whole world" and it's such a wonderfully happy song and it was so fun to dance around with all my kiddos. Turning on crazy music and worshiping is the best way to break me out of a funk when dealing with character training.

It was raining so hard today I actually asked God to stop it, the water was slowly coming to our back door and flooding our whole patio. I swept the water away for awhile, and the thousand worms that crawl up too...a few minutes later the rain stopped. Hutch worked all night, I haven't pulled an all nighter since college, and even back then, I think I only pulled the intent of the all nighter, and by 3am, I was firmly convinced, I knew all I needed to know!
He came home and cheered me up, took a long nap, and let me go grocery shopping sans children. Did I mention how great he is? And my mom for that matter rocks my world. She is a powerful woman of God and she is taking the week off to come down and watch our kiddos and she actually bought her own ticket. HOW BLESSED ARE WE?????????????

I'm tempted to write more, because I don't think what I've written is very profound...but I don't want to be loquacious....forever speaking and saying nothing.

Going to bed tonight praying fervently for the orphans in Haiti. Maybe all the Christians could just adopt one...I think that would take care of that problem. I'm up for one!

Sunday 1/17/2010

breakfast
plain green tea
unsweetened cranberry juice, LOVE trader joes.
2 cups lemon maple syrup cayenne drink
lunch
bowl tuscan white bean soup with parmesan
1 quesadilla with 2 small corn tortillas and mozarella
vitamins
water
dinner
Indian food for dinner from the Little India Bazaar, our new favorite.
1 Samosa with all kinds of sauces, onions, garbanzos btw it's $ .75! and the chicken is $1.99!
shared chicken curry with Hutch 1/2 cup white rice, 1/2 chapati, sweetened chai tea 2 very small cups
a few sips of Hutch's mango shake
coffee with cream
We go there and pray that God gives us a chance to show the love of Jesus to these beautiful people.

both meals made me feel tired after, I've heard food is supposed to give me energy. Perhaps it's too many beans/carbs. I am focusing more and more on how what I eat makes me feel. Went to church this morning, Hutch took Hannah and Jack to the climbing wall, I took a nap after lunch, messed with my ipod, put some fast songs into a workout playlist, took the kids to awana, went out for Indian food, picked up the kiddos, Hannah made dinner for the ducks which consisted of bananas and peanut butter, vanilla yogurt, orange juice. Hutch spent the evening cleaning, doing laundry, organizing some toys, and generally being the perfect husband. I read books and trained Benji how to sit still on my lap, that will take a few tries!

Today I'm stirred about adoption, especially praying for the orphans in Haiti. I am moved by the needs of the homeless here in Riverside, I am greatly troubled about some character issues in my firstborn and seeking God's wisdom in this. I was moved by a song this morning, He Is Stronger, I"ll post it on my wall. I am overwhelmed by the truth that sin is broken, Jesus saved me, He is Lord of all, even these details of my life. As I list the day's events and the smallest food I ate, I realize how little it is. I want to conquer bigger things. The truth is, when I am faithful in the little things He can make me ruler over much. I want people Lord, I want to see them meet You, know your love, really get what this life is all about. The kingdom of heaven isn't about eating and drinking, it's about righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit.

Saturday 1/16/2010

I made sweet rolls for our group this morning, the yummiest thing ever made, and I ate two small ones along with my unsweetened coffee and small piece of vegetable fritatta. Luckily all my children inhaled the rest, leaving no left overs for me to say "no" to. God is good to me. Small piece of quiche for lunch with some chai tea. Planning on challenges tonight, going to a potluck dinner with a coworker of Hutch, and parties where the food is out all night are the biggest challenge. I resolve to take one plate for dinner, sit down and enjoy it, and not go back for seconds. There are three different people bringing dessert so I will have a small portion, but only if it's homemade. Nothing store bought. I will let you know later tonight that I kept my resolve.
I got up this morning at 5am and walked on the treadmill for 50 minutes and did an arm workout.
I will no longer try to live a balanced life. In the words of Yoda, "there is no try. There is only do or do not".
It's sunny, and 65 and I have nothing and I mean nothing to complain about.

Later that day...

SO.................... I DID IT!! And I totally skipped dessert, even my own homemade pistachio nut cake. I had a bite of Benji's. I had a delicious plate of tri tip meat with bbq sauce, one small white roll, one slice of tender pork, 1/4 cup each of beans and cheesy potatoes. Not exactly health food...but I had self control. Only one plate. I sat down and ate slowly and enjoyed it. Two bottles of water. And I'm going to bed at 9:30.
It feels so good to make these decisions..and YOU can do it too. If I can, anyone can.
Thank you for being my accountability, I was tempted to make myself a s'more when they were pulled out of the pantry and Hutch asked me, "do you want to tell everyone you ate that?" I realized I wanted more to say to you all, "I DID IT!!!"

One day at a time. And I am taking my friend Lisa's advice to pray. (what good advice) God knows my hair count, He surely is concerned with this struggle.

For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ. Titus 2:11-13

Inspired...and will you help me? 1/15/2010

If you read this, and sometimes even comment, it will help me.
I am a comfort eater. And a don't-pay-attention eater. And a cheater-eater. A feast/famine eater.
I want to learn how to eat for the rest of my life, not on a diet...but when to say yes and when to say no. Balance for the love of sam. Tonight, for example, was a time to say no. I have been working out twice a day in order to get conditioned and lose a few extra pounds. I want to lose about 25 lbs but if I learn how to eat, exercise regularly, and the only result is increased energy, happiness, and endurance, it will be worth it. But I"m hoping I'll lose a few in the process...it seems to make logical sense that that would happen.
But, it seems that I am not one of THOSE people...the ones that say, "Oh, it was so easy, I just stopped eating white sugar and the pounds just melted away", or "ALL I did was add some walking and I lost 20 lbs in two months". I love those kind of people, and I'm happy for them. If I want to lose a pound I can't just do something simple. I have to do a regime for a long period of time.
So...I thought I embraced that "cross" at the beginning of the year. The one that says, "you don't get to eat a croissant for at least 6 months". But tonight, after a great week, I took my kids to...........I can hardly admit it................Wienerschnitzel. I bought them all 99cent milkshakes and hotdogs. And I bought one for myself. Now, I don't particularly love this kind of junk food, although it wasn't bad as far as junk food goes. But my special husband was working...and who would notice???? Well, now all of you have noticed, and that's the brilliant conclusion I came to tonight. I need accountability.

I'm going to bore you nightly with a food diary. Because even though THEY say you are more careful of what you eat when you write it down, that doesn't work for me. I came home, wrote down that I ate a corn dog (and finished off Ben's) and then searched my cupboards for something else bad to eat. Luckily, I have cleaned out the pantry and the worse culprit was OJ, of which I drank a big glass.

If I know I've given my word to you all, somehow that's easier for me to honor than my own word to myself. I"ll work out the psychological details of that later. For now, I will document every bite. (I helped the kids eat a chocolate Santa at the grocery store also), it truly was a pathetic night.

If it takes me all year, I will learn, lose, and grow...spiritual growth of course. So those of you who are horrified with my choice of dinner, you know who you are, and I know who you are, this is mostly for you. I am more concerned with my mood, my ability to care for my children, commune with God, and serve Him than physical characteristics. Truly. Of course it feels great to fit better into your clothes and not have jiggly arms, but those are secondary goals.

I watched the first episode of The Biggest Loser a few days ago, and thought to myself...what am I so concerned about, I'm not 300lbs! I"m not doing too bad. But I was inspired by their dedication to their health, and by their public weigh-in. So this is my public weigh in. So come on my journey with me, but I will caution you, it's already been a long one, and I think I'm back where I started again.

no.

no.

yes.

Prayer and ministry 12/9/2009

In the context of our verbose culture, it is significant to hear the Desert Fathers discouraging us from using too many words. "There is no need to make long discourses; it is enough to stretch out one's hand and say,' Lord, as you will, and as you know, have mercy.'" And if the conflict grows fiercer say "Lord, help." He knows very well what we need and He shows us His mercy. One word or phrase can take us into the heart and take us into God's presence. Even when we are talking, studying, gardening, or building the prayer can continue in our heart and keep us aware of God's ever-present guidance.

This is true when praying for others. There is an intimate relationship between prayer and ministry. The discipline of leading all our people with their struggles into the gentle and humble heart of God is the discipline of prayer as well as the discipline of ministry. As long as ministry only means that we worry a lot about people and their problems; as long as it means an endless number of activities which we can hardly coordinate, we are still very much dependent on our own narrow and anxious heart. But when our worries are led to the heart of God and there become prayer, then ministry and prayer become two manifestations of the same all-embracing love of God.

The prayer of the heart is the breath of the spiritual life and of all ministry. Indeed, prayer is not simply an important activity, but the very center of the new life which we want to represent and to which we want to introduce our people.

(adapted from the Way of the Heart by Henry Nouwen)

As I carry the burdens of those God has placed in my path, I remind myself, His yoke is easy, and His burden is light. As I walk in intimacy with Him and am found communing with him daily, hourly, His life flows through me and I need it. Without it, my own efforts will fall so short. He is the Savior, not me.

What are your thoughts? Ministry, prayer, intimacy, surrender, and fathering are the things I'm pondering lately.
What are you pondering?

excerpt from JP Morelands book, the Kingdom Triangle 12/2/2009

Chapter One:
The Hunger for Drama in a Thin World

Helen Roseveare is a physician from Northern Ireland who has served as a medical missionary in Zaire, Africa, and the surrounding region for some time. Here, in her own words, is an eyewitness account about a hot water bottle. I would love to sit down with you and ask your honest, unfiltered reaction to this story. Your response would tell me a lot about you - specifically, whether you believe the naturalist, the postmodernist, or the Christian story. But I'm getting ahead of myself. These vastly different perspectives will be the focus of the next three chapters. For now, here is what Dr. Roseveare heard and saw. It's a bit long, but as you will soon see, it's well worth the time.

One night, in Central Africa, I had worked hard to help a mother in the labor ward; but in spite of all that we could do, she died leaving us with a tiny, premature baby and a crying, two-year-old daughter. We would have difficulty keeping the baby alive. We had no incubator. We had no electricity to run an incubator, and no special feeding facilities. Although we lived on the equator, nights were often chilly with treacherous drafts.

A student-midwife went for the box we had for such babies and for the cotton wool that the baby would be wrapped in. Another went to stoke up the fire and fill a hot water bottle. She came back shortly, in distress, to tell me that in filling the bottle, it had burst. Rubber perishes easily in tropical climates. ". . . and it is our last hot water bottle!" she exclaimed. As in the West, it is no good crying over spilled milk; so, in Central Africa it might be considered no good crying over a burst water bottle. They do not grow on trees, and there are no drugstores down forest pathways. "All right," I said, "Put the baby as near the fire as you safely can; sleep between the baby and the door to keep it free from drafts. Your job is to keep the baby warm."

The following noon, as I did most days, I went to have prayers with many of the orphanage children who chose to gather with me. I gave the youngsters various suggestions of things to pray about and told them about the tiny baby. I explained our problem about keeping the baby warm enough, mentioning the hot water bottle. The baby could so easily die if it got chilled. I also told them about the two-year-old sister, crying because her mother had died. During the prayer time, one ten-year-old girl, Ruth, prayed with the usual blunt consciousness of our African children. "Please, God," she prayed, "send us a water bottle. It'll be no good tomorrow, God, the baby'll be dead; so, please send it this afternoon." While I gasped inwardly at the audacity of the prayer, she added by way of corollary, "and while You are about it, would You please send a dolly for the little girl so she'll know You really love her?"

As often with children's prayers, I was put on the spot. Could I honestly say, "Amen"? I just did not believe that God could do this. Oh, yes, I know that He can do everything: The Bible says so, but there are limits, aren't there? The only way God could answer this particular prayer would be by sending a parcel from the homeland. I had been in Africa for almost four years at that time, and I had never, ever received a parcel from home. Anyway, if anyone did send a parcel, who would put in a hot water bottle? I lived on the equator!

Halfway through the afternoon, while I was teaching in the nurses training school, a message was sent that there was a car at my front door. By the time that I reached home, the car had gone, but there, on the veranda, was a large twenty-two pound parcel! I felt tears pricking my eyes. I could not open the parcel alone; so, I sent for the orphanage children. Together we pulled off the string, carefully undoing each knot. We folded the paper, taking care not to tear it unduly. Excitement was mounting. Some thirty or forty pairs of eyes were focused on the large cardboard box. From the top, I lifted out brightly colored, knitted jerseys. Eyes sparkled as I gave them out. Then, there were the knitted bandages for the leprosy patients, and the children began to look a little bored. Next came a box of mixed raisins and sultanas - that would make a nice batch of buns for the weekend. As I put my hand in again, I felt the . . . could it really be? I grasped it, and pulled it out. Yes, "A brand-new rubber, hot water bottle!" I cried. I had not asked God to send it; I had not truly believed that He could.

Ruth was in the front row of the children. She rushed forward, crying out, "If God has sent the bottle, He must have sent the dolly, too!" Rummaging down to the bottom of the box, she pulled out the small, beautifully dressed dolly. Her eyes shone: She had never doubted! Looking up at me, she asked, "Can I go over with you, Mummy, and give this dolly to that little girl, so she'll know that Jesus really loves her?"

That parcel had been on the way for five whole months, packed up by my former Sunday School class, whose leader had heard and obeyed God's prompting to send a hot water bottle, even to the equator. One of the girls had put in a dolly for an African child - five months earlier in answer to the believing prayer of a ten-year-old to bring it "That afternoon!" "And it shall come to pass, that before they call, I will answer; and while they are yet speaking, I will hear." Isaiah 65:24

What do you make of this? Your answer will depend, in part, on your worldview. If you are a naturalist, you're likely to think that the story is a fabrication. Dr. Roseveare is either a bald-faced liar or someone with such a desire to promote her religion that she is prone to exaggeration and the selective employment of a self-serving, faulty memory. Or maybe it's just a big coincidence. But a miracle? Nonsense! Such things are unscientific relics of an age gone by.

If you are a postmodernist, you may think that this is just wonderful for Dr. Roseveare, Ruth, the baby, and others close to the story. It's great that these people have their truth, but we all have our story that's true for us, and no one has a corner on this market. It would be intolerant and downright bigoted for Dr. Roseveare to force her beliefs on other people. The story may confirm Dr. Roseveare's truth, but there are lots of other truths out there.

If you are a Christian, you are either incredibly touched and encouraged at this kind act of God, or you are wearied by it. These things happen to other people, you may reason, especially to those on the mission field. They don't happen to my friends or me, so I can't really relate to the story. Regardless of your worldview, if you read the story carefully and with feeling, there's something about it that's hard to dismiss - it is filled with drama.

Let the peace of God rule (arbitrate) in your hearts 11/20/2009

"If our peace is broken...it can only be because of sin.

Shall we not begin from today to allow our lives to be ruled by the heavenly Dove, the peace of God and allow Him to be the arbiter all the day through? We shall find ourselves walking in a path of constant conviction and much humbling, but in this way we shall come into real conformity with the Lamb of God and we shall know the only victory that is worth anything, the conquest of self."

I repent Lord of doing things my own way, of my own efforts to live the Christian life and to do God's work, I repent of fighting for my rights and not laying them down and you did Jesus, I repent of defending myself and I receive your forgiveness, your beautiful mercy and grace that you give so freely. Thank you for showing me a better way...your way...and I choose today to let your peace rule in my heart. And Father, for those who are starting their day without peace, will you give it to them? Show them your kindness and love, give them your eyes to see, keep them from the evil one, give them hope that you are FOR them, and you know them. You are amazing.

deep thoughts 8/20/2009

Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

That’s enough, Nickelback.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies.”

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Bad decisions make good stories

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

A friend for Jack 7/15/2009

Yesterday Jack was playing a video game and then uncharacteristically stopped and came and sat by me. I didn't realize for a few minutes that he was just sitting there. I stopped what I was doing and focused on him and his lower lip started trembling and he explained that he was playing a game that reminded him of Isaiah and how much he missed his friend. He started really crying and I was crying right there with him. We prayed, watched Batman together (the real one) and then went to the park that night where he met a boy that was questionable. They rode scooters together but I thought the boy might not be good for Jack and I was feeling that tight-hearted feeling that I might have to intervene. (no evidence, just didn't get to know the kid)
Jack talked all day about his new friend and planned on going to the park tonight so I went with much apprehension.
They joyfully met and started riding scooters and few minutes later, as I was observing and trying to get a feel for this kid, his mom came up and introduced herself. She happens to have 6 boys (22,20, 18, 16, 7, 3), she homeschools, and has been praying for a friend for her son. I instantly burst into tears right there on the playgound and this perfect stranger comforted me! (I'm sure we'll be friends!) God is so good to give us everything we need!

coulda been really bad 6/13/2009

Our little white car is hitched onto the moving truck with a canoe tied to the top. We "randomly" decided to stop for coffee and hunted down a starbucks (because my aunt gave us $100 to starbucks) and we went about 5 miles off the freeway. As we were pulling out, the car slid off the hitch. I noticed it right away since I was close and we were only going a few mph. We stopped, had an angel of an old man help us, and we were on the road in less than 15 min! GOD IS SO GOOD and GRACIOUS to us!!! If that would have happened on the freeway, I don't even want to think of what would have happened. God gives me patience in the evenings so I put the children to bed while Hutch unloads because he's cranky. Then, I check out in the mornings while he wrangles the kiddos because I'm cranky. It's perfect!

We had a brutal day of driving yesterday, 8 hours for 225 miles, I'm glad we are not in a hurry!

Paul Tripp: Instruments in the Redeemers Hands 5/26/2009

Paul Tripp:
I find myself saying it all the time. When people hear it they laugh, but actually I'm being quite serious when I say it. Here it is. No one is more influential in your life than you are because no one talks to you more than you do. You're in an unending conversation with yourself. You're talking to yourself all the time, interpreting, organizing, and analyzing what's going on inside you and around you.

You may be talking to yourself about why you feel so tired. Or maybe you woke up this morning with a sense of dread and you're not sure why....Perhaps you're reliving a conversation that didn't go too well. Or maybe [you're] preparing yourself for a conversation that may be difficult by conjuring up as many renditions as you can imagine, so you can cover all the contingencies. Maybe your mind has traveled back to your distant past and, for reasons you don't understand, you're recalling events from your early childhood....

The point is that you are constantly involved in an internal conversation that greatly influences the things you decide, say, and do....

What do you regularly tell yourself about yourself, God, and your circumstances? Do your words to you encourage faith, hope, and courage? Or do they stimulate doubt, discouragement, and fear? Do you remind yourself that God is near, or do you reason within yourself, given your circumstances, that he must be distant? Do you encourage yourself to run to God even when you don't understand what he's doing? Or do you give yourself permission to back away from him when you are confused by the seeming distance between what he's promised and what you're experiencing?....When others talk to you, is your internal conversation so loud that it's hard to concentrate on what they're saying?

Here's the question. How wholesome, faith-driven, and Christ-centered is the conversation that you have with you every day?

Goodman news 4/10/2009

I thought I'd just share what I'm thinking about, I always like it when I know what is going on in the hearts of my community, friends and family. So I'll put myself out there! It helps me to have an outlet to hone my thoughts. I'd love any comments or discussion or added thoughts to what I've shared so please feel free. My last two notes have just been what I've come across in my morning devotions and what particularly stood out to me.

We also have some big changes on the horizon, Hutch has only another month or two of work in his current job so we're praying about more work and trusting in God's perfect timing because it's in our hearts to be engaged in ministry, focusing on college students and Muslims. Our hope is that we can do that full time eventually but for now, we are just taking steps of faith in that direction. God has been confirming it so far and speaking to us and we are really excited about what the future holds.

Hutch has a job interview this Tuesday in California and if he gets the job, it starts June 1st! I've already organized all the kids toys, sold our Suburban and bunk beds and given away many boxes in anticipation. (I love downsizing!) We don't have a solid job offer yet so we're waiting for that "little" piece of news but we're putting our house on the market and moving in the direction we feel God is leading us.

This is a picture from our house in Bremerton.

Dissipation 4/10/2009

dis⋅si⋅pa⋅tion
/ˌdɪsəˈpeɪʃən/ [dis-uh-pey-shuhn]
–noun
1. the act of dissipating.
2. the state of being dissipated; dispersion; disintegration.
3. a wasting by misuse: the dissipation of a fortune.
4. mental distraction; amusement; diversion.
5. dissolute way of living, esp. excessive drinking of liquor; intemperance.
6. Physics, Mechanics. a process in which energy is used or lost without accomplishing useful work, as friction causing loss of mechanical energy.

Be on guard, so that your hearts will not be weighted down with dissipation and drunkenness and the worries of life, and that day will not come on you suddenly like at trap; for it will come upon all those who dwell on the face of all the earth. But keep on the alert at all times, praying that you may have the strength to escape all these things that are about to take place, and to stand before the Son of Man.
Luke 21:34

Love 4/9/2009

Love is patient and kind.
Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.
It does not demand its own way.
It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.
It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices in the truth.
Love never gives up,
never loses faith,
is always hopeful,
and endures through every circumstance.
When I say I love you and mean it with a Godly love, this is what I mean.

Today my prayer is, Lord, increase my faith! I am so tempted to get my eyes of my heavenly Father and on my circumstances. I was meditating yesterday how Jesus did all these great miracles and he taught with wisdom and authority but when the disciples prayed, "Lord, increase our faith!", it was after Jesus taught them that they were to forgive seventy times seven in one day. My heart is broken at the bitterness and unforgiveness that I've held on to for years that has held me in captivity and held those whom I haven't forgiven also in captivity. Jesus is walking with me through a journey of freedom and I owe Him. I know there are things in my near future that God has for me and for our family, I can feel a sense of expectation. And at the same time, I can see clearly, the attack of the enemy on my heart, bringing so many distractions and temptations. But I know in whom I trust and I know that HE will guard what I have trusted to Him and He has conquered sin and death and I daily walk in that victory, believing with my whole heart what I don't quite see clearly.

This morning, as I prepare for the day, and for the inevitable battle that is to come, I fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith and since I'm surrounded by a great a cloud of witnesses, I lay aside the weights and sins that mess me up and I run with patience the race that is before me.

I take my thoughts captive, I CAN do all things through His strength.

Today. Just for today.

PDA 3/4/2009

Well, the YMCA monitors all the actions of it's members through video camera and thank goodness because many people were spared some indiscretions. My husband and I took our kids to the play area and then exercised on the bikes and rowing machines, then hopped in the hot tub to relax and chat. As we got in, Hutch tried to snuggle me and kiss me a little and I swatted him away of course! I'm a little concerned about what other people think. Turns out I should have been even more concerned. After sitting and chatting for about 10 minutes, during which Hutch was sitting on the side of the hot tub so I was touching his knee from time to time, we had a visit from Y management. She asked us to "watch the PDA, this is a family establishment". WHAT???? Hutch didn't even know what PDA was (public display of affection) We were a good foot away from each other. (I hate to get in trouble, especially if I did nothing wrong, my sense of justice is strong)
I was so embarrassed, and it was almost time to go, so I quickly got out avoiding the eyes of the other 6 people in the hot tub. As I walked through the door with my bare feet, I slipped on the tile and ended up flat on my back, smacking my head on the floor. I saw stars and started crying but I couldn't move I was so dizzy. As if I wasn't already embarrassed enough! I saw how they "saw" us and it is on a TV monitor about 2x2 inches and the angle would make it look suspicious, apparently. I walked out and asked them why, if it was such a big deal, there weren't any signs posted. A young upstart of a jerk told me I should know it was YMCA policy that there is no touching in public. A coworker of his, who was nice to me and calmed me down a little and told me she was sent to "break up" an 80 year old couple who were holding hands! It did make me feel better to know they are completely out of wack in their no touching policy but I had to go hide in a movie theater and watch a movie the rest of the night in order to pull myself together and find a little humor in the whole thing.

So that was my night at the YMCA. I'll be sure to wear a hat and dark glasses next time so no one recognizes me and I want you all to know, if you are at this "Christian" establishment with your spouse, save your PDA for later!

25 things about me 2/1/2009

1. I always wanted five children. Now I have them, I'm not quite sure what to do with them every day.
2. I knew I wanted to marry Hutch two days after I met him.
3. I met Hutch at Cutters in Seattle where I was a server and he was a busser.
4. I want to be a midwife.
5. I want to disciple my girls in midwifery and natural healing.
6. I really enjoy cooking, baking, and eating afterward and during and before. ( I don't enjoy being on a diet or being fat)
6a. "Nobody puts Baby in a corner" is a favorite movie line of mine.
7. I have dreams that God gives me that come true.
8. Hutch makes me laugh all the time.
9. I have huge emotional mood swings.
10. My mom is my second best friend.
11. I"ve been to China, France, and the Philippines. Philippines when I was 15 on a mission trip. France with my Grandma Grace for my graduation present. China with a guy I was dating in college.
12. I paid for my trip to China with my credit card and I'm sure I'm still paying if off, (financially and emotionally)
13. God came and found me in China. I was far away from Him in my heart and through a bizarre set of circumstances He sent a woman who taught English in China to meet me and minister to me.
14. I had all my children at home naturally.
15. I usually don't answer my phones, I am not good at multi-tasking anymore and there is a law in the universe that I wasn't aware of until I had children and that's the Phone Law which says any phone call answered with be met with fighting and loud noises simultaneously coinciding with "Hello".
16. I feel inadequate most of the time. I had someone prophesy over me that I was insecure and I have realized over the years how true that is. I have learned to rely on God's truth about me because I can't rely on my feelings.
17. My favorite food is strawberries. Organic sweet plain strawberries, strawberries dipped in chocolate, served with whipped cream and angel food cake, dipped in sour cream and brown sugar, strawberry pie, strawberry shortcake, strawberry tart, strawberry rhubarb pie.
18. I am called to teach women to operate in faith and not fear. I feel like there is a spiritual block in women's minds that stops them from living in freedom, usually after they have children. I have to figure that out in my own heart first but once I do, there are women waiting for me to give that to them.
19. One of my favorite things to do is to turn on music and dance with my children.
20. The best week in my life was the one I spent with Hutch in Mexico last October celebrating our ten year anniversary. Seriously, the best week of my life.
21. I love heart to heart conversations, having a talk with a friend is my idea of the most fun thing I could do. Which is why I often stay up late talking with Hutch.
22. I think Hutch is seriously the smartest, funniest, givingest, servingest, Godly man and I'm super lucky to have married him. He always says he's lucky but he has no idea that he's the catch.
23. I have always wanted to get a tattoo.
24. I have never wanted to be famous and I'm not impressed by famous people.
25. I am however really influenced by those closest to me which is why I'm even doing this note. My kids have been waiting for lunch for an hour now while I type this! I would really like to take hours to talk with each one of you that read this and find out what's really on your heart. I'm thinking that in Heaven, God will give me unlimited time to I can really get to know the depths of my friends. I love love love the people God has put in my life over the years, I am not the same because of YOU!
26. I hate confrontation and making people mad and I often feel like I'm in trouble. I just had to add 26 because I'm a rebel and there's no way I can sum myself up in 25 or 26 or 100 bullet points!

ballet and soccer 10/6/2008

Today is Saturday.  We take the girls to ballet today and it's the highlight of mine and Hutch's week.  Hannah, Chloe, and Juliet all put on pink tights, pink leotards, and ballet shoes and put their hair in buns.  Chloe and Juliet still have their baby pudge so their little tummies and bottoms stick out of their leotards and it is the cutest thing I"ve seen ever in my whole life ever.  ever.  Hannah is so elegant and she is really developing the skills, it's beautiful to watch.

I watch them run around and wave their arms and I want to explode with all the emotions I feel.  I love them so much and it's like my own heart is running around outside my body.  Or more literally, dancing around.

After ballet lessons, we head over to Jack's soccer game where many crazy parents are yelling at their 6 and 7 year old children to score a goal or defend their goal.  Last week Jack was goalie for a while.  He was standing too far inside the goal which prompted much shouting.  After he came out the proper distance, he blocked a kick, which was the highlight for his dad and grandparents who were on hand for his first game.  They all cheered so loudly, Jack stopped and looked over with a smile and a wave and...you guessed it...the other team scored.  AHHH!!!  Jack quickly looked over to his dad to see if it was ok and Hutch gave him a huge shout and a reassuring smile and the game was back on.  Their team lost by two points 6-8 but Jack told me this morning that he left the field with a little   smile on his face because he was "happy for the other team".

economic crisis solution...someone else's thoughts 10/5/2008

I don't know who this guy is or where this idea came from but to my uneducated mind, it sounds great!  Will someone with some knowledge of the stock market please tell me why this won't work?  Or will it???
This is his idea:
I'm in favor of giving $85,000,000,000 to America in a We Deserve It Dividend.

 To make the math simple, let's assume there are 200,000,000
 bonafide U.S. Citizens 18+.

 Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman
 and child. So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up..

 So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billon that equals $425,000.00.

 My plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a
 We Deserve It Dividend.

Of course, it would NOT be tax free.
 So let's assume a tax rate of 30%.

 Every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes.
 That sends $25,500,000,000 right back to Uncle Sam.

 But it means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket.
 A husband and wife has $595,000.00.

 What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family?
 Pay off your mortgage - housing crisis solved.
 Repay college loans - what a great boost to new grads
 Put away money for college - it'll be there
 Save in a bank - create money to loan to entrepreneurs.
 Buy a new car - create jobs
 Invest in the market - capital drives growth
 Pay for your parent's medical insurance - health care improves
 Enable Deadbeat Dads to come clean - or else

 Remember this is for every adult U S Citizen 18+ including the folks
 who lost their jobs at Lehman Brothers and every other company
 that is cutting back. And of course, for those serving in our Armed Forces.

 If we're going to re-distribute wealth let's really do it...instead of
 trickling out  a puny $1000.00 ( 'vote buy' ) economic incentive that is being proposed by  one of our candidates for President.

 If we're going to do an $85 billion bailout, let's bail out every adult U S
 Citizen 18+!

 As for AIG - liquidate it.  Sell off its parts.
 Let American General go back to being American General.
 Sell off the real estate.
 Let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up.

 Here's my rationale. We deserve it and AIG doesn't.  Sure it's a crazy idea that can 'never work.'   But can you imagine the Coast-To-Coast Block Party!
  How do you spell Economic Boom?

 I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion
 We Deserve It Dividend more than I do the geniuses at AIG or in Washington
 DC.

 And remember, The Birk plan only really costs $59.5 Billion because $25.5
 Billion is returned  instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam.

bitterness 2/18/2008

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When I have spent my years with an ideal picture in mind and have not attained it, I am tempted to be bitter. I am grappling with the truth that it's not important what I produce, it's important that I try. If I never give up, never give in to hopelessness, God has power to work in my weakness. I am tempted right now to give in. Hutch is encouraging me and many others would if they had the chance. I want to believe, I really do. Everything in my vision is telling me one thing and the truth that I must believe is not apparent to me. This is when my faith becomes the evidence of things not seen. I just don't see it. I don't see the beautiful days filled with stories and cookies and playing. I just feel struggle. Because I am opposed by the enemy of my soul. I have forgotten that fact. I will fight to remember that my life's work is my family. My goal is to decrease so that He might increase. I am brought to tears daily as I am confronted with my own weakness and failings and I realize that truly everything good in me is from Him, not me. Anything I accomplish is in His strength. He'll keep me here until I really learn it and I'm just now starting to get a glimpse. Strength perfected in weakness. Foolish things of the world confounding the wise. His ways and thoughts, not mine. Lose your life to find it. What a crazy world I live in.

daily life 10/18/2007

I have friends who have blogs and they post pictures and daily happenings and I just love to read them. It's nice because there are many things that we don't talk about if we don't see each other that much so the little details of life get overlooked. I'm going to try to capture them here for all who are interested.

Yesterday Juliet decided to entertain herself with lotion while on the potty, which she will only sit on if I feed her a constant stream of chocolate chips. I think it's time to revisit some "to train up a child" principles. This way isn't accomplishing much...

There is a video of her antics on the video page.

Nana came for a visit too and the kids all thought it was a hoot to try on her wig. They had her laughing! There are some pics of that too. My mom has been handling her chemo with such grace and beauty and regardless of what she thinks, she is so beautiful with no hair. I think that when you love someone and see them in a difficult situation and they are shining, they couldn't be more beautiful, no matter what they did to themself. The power of looking at life with eyes of love.

Hutch has been working alot of nights and we both have agreed to this season of imbalance in order to accomplish the things God has put in our hearts. We are praying that we can have the discipline and self control to make it through this and that God will bless our efforts and release Hutch from full time work and into full time ministry. In the meantime, we are praying for small opportunities to be faithful with what He's given us.

310 views 10/15/2007

Wow. I was just getting ready to post something really profound when I realized that my blog has been viewed 310 times. Are there even half that many people who want to read what I write? Or do I have one obsessed fan? Either way, I think that's pretty cool. I do now feel a little pressure...

I am flying high on perspective right now. I had the amazing revelation a few days ago that no one feels sorry for me. Either they're too busy feeling sorry for themselves or I don't have a life that elicits pity. Quite the contrary, my life is to be envied. And to whom much is given, much is required. I'm so sorry about the time I've spent feeling sorry for myself, for the huge tasks in front of me that never seem to end. I've been looking at them with the wrong perspective. I have a husband that adores me and gives to me unceasingly. I have children that delight me every day, five of them. I have a safe, warm, beautiful house, my health, the health of my children, a huge circle of friends and family that really do care about me and that I can show love to and want the best for. I have people who I can call and they will watch all five of my children while I get to go out with my husband. Many people dream of a life like mine and I get to live it.

I realized that I have always thought that I would shine and really begin to live the life that I want to live when there is a crisis. I see others going through health issues or financial issues and I have their solution all worked out. Well I am going to start shining and living the life I want to live right now because I really have no excuses. None. Oh, and if you want to know, I'm on a I'm-not-going-to-be-fat-at-Christmas campaign. I have at least 10 weeks and I am getting up every morning and working out and I'm not eating any sugar except for one cheat day a week. That's all part of the new me, living the life that I want to live and not making any excuses. I made it through the first week of my campaign and I've had energy, peace, and joy. Why? Because I was doing what I know is right and healthy for me and I am submitting to the discipline of being a disciple of Christ. That means body, soul, and spirit.

I feel like my struggles are the same ones that I've faced for the past 15 years. I guess when I get through those I'll get some new ones.

Tribulation brings about perseverance and perseverance, proven character, and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. Rom 5:3-5