Angst 3/24/2010

Do you ever feel like something just isn't quite right, but it's hard to put your finger on exactly what it is? I've felt that way for a while now and I've come to the conclusion that life just makes you feel like that sometimes. It could be a holy discontent, the Lord leading you in a certain way, or it could be a longing for our real home. It could be a teaching time, a time of learning to trust and lean on Jesus when things don't feel right, or it could be sin, that needs a drop kick at the foot of the cross. It could be a rest is needed from the fight, or a sign that you need to fight with different weapons. (The weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but are mighty, to the pulling down of strongholds.)

My battle is always in my thought life, what I am choosing to believe. And I'm off because I have failed to remember. That was the Israelite's problem too, they forgot what God did for them. So today, I remind myself. It's sweet to trust Him, to know He's in control, He's making me "a mountain that cannot be shaken". He speaks of "the removing of those things which can be shaken, as of created things, so that those things which cannot be shaken may remain". My prayer today is Lord, continue to shake me, my heart, my life, my ambitions, my desires so that truly what cannot be shaken will remain. I know that is quite a risky prayer, on par with "Lord, humble me" but those who have prayed those prayers and have come out on the other side of the answer to that prayer are never sorry.

He says to me, "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you. Many are the woes of the wicked but the Lords unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him."

I choose to believe, really believe that He is with me, He is for me, He loves me. I choose to really believe that this life is a mist, and my true home is elsewhere. I choose to really believe that His promises are true, even if I don't see them fulfilled now.

I left for California June 12 last year, so I've been gone from my hometown for nine months. I feel like I'm pregnant again and I feel the angst at the end when it's time, you're ready but it's not coming, and the waiting is endless. I want to see God's kingdom come, I want to see people brought into the Kingdom life, I want to see change. I want to see the Kingdom come in power, I want to see the hand of the Lord here where I was led by my Father. I long for that like a mother longs to hold her newborn baby and count the sweet fingers and toes. I want to see the goodness of the Lord. And yet I wait. And I choose to trust. And I hear "it's not time yet, but soon, very soon". One thing is for sure, I am not going to miss it. And another thing...I'm going to have fun while I wait for it!

He came that we would have LIFE to the fullest!