What I learned from my brother this weekend.

I love my brother.  I'm crazy about him.  He is two years younger than me but he's way taller than me, a fact my children try often to reconcile.  "Uncle Jason is taller than you mommy, but you're older than him, right?"  When you're a kid, bigger equals older.
Jason came to visit me this past weekend and it was a gift.  We understand each other in the way only siblings can.  We've seen it all together, each others first loves, school basketball games, mission trips, our parents divorces and remarriages, weddings, divorces, babies, trips, ups, downs, poverty, struggle, laughter, deep talks, many glasses of wine.  We've both tried to make sense of it all in our own ways.  Through it all Jesus has walked by us, each step of the way, loving us, comforting us, keeping us.  That has looked different for me than it has for my brother but Jesus is the same and he has never left us.
Jason has a saying called "being present".  He has many sayings actually, but I really like that one.  It means, when he is with me, he really is there, mind, body, heart.  He is a listener. If he has an agenda, I don't know it.  He asks great questions, is always ready to offer advice if he senses it will help.  He has helped me in so many ways, too many to list here.  But this weekend I realized I have judged him.  I have taken a few things I saw in his life and put him neatly into a box...something he JUST loves.  wink wink.  We went out to breakfast for my birthday, Jason, Hutch, and I and then picked up mom at the airport, never stopping for a minute the intense dialogue between us.  We were so busy talking deep, that we just drove around and eventually ended up in a parking lot, between Chick-fil-A, and In-n-Out Burger.  (could there be a better parking lot?  I submit, there cannot.)

Jason was sharing his heart and said he'd like to have a tattoo of a question mark on his shoulder to symbolize his search.  The questions are so important, in his estimation.  At this point, I can't talk fast enough, because for me, answers are important.  If I could get a tattoo of an answer on my shoulder, I would, although I don't know what symbolizes that.  Maybe an ass.   But I digress.

I'm tearing up, I want my brother, who is my very heart, to KNOW, really KNOW some answers.  To have a clear path forward.   But he isn't there in that place right now.  He knows some things that are important, like family, love, God.  But he is on a journey.  One that, up til this weekend, I was not on with him because of my viewpoint.
I'm sorry Jason.  I'm sorry I've missed out on YOU.  Your heart, your view, your thoughts, your struggles.
I won't be making that mistake again.  At one point  mom shares her experience and it's so true..."every time I've given someone unsolicited advice, it's taken as criticism".  She has been listening to Hutch, Jason and me dialogue and isn't saying much.  I know she's praying in her heart, she often prays for us.  She taught me this weekend that relying on prayer is the best course of action.  But back to my little brother.

We had more wonderful talks over the weekend, and never got to bed early and we didn't care.  There is enough coffee.  Sunday morning we all go to church and after singing "The Power of Your Love"  which is a song that a) I've never heard sung in my church up til this point, and b) a song that my brother and I sang together for the first time in high school and were very touched by it.  After a few more songs, we sit down and a man gets up and says, "today we will be talking about questions".  The importance of questions.  My eyes fill with tears.  We all, mom, Jason, Hutch and I, exchange meaningful looks.  God knew.  As I sat and listened, my first instinct was to think, "wow, a service tailor made for my brother!"  We were just talking about questions and here we are, listening to a sermon about them!!

As the service went on, it became patently clear that the message was for ME, and not my brother.  This was not a case of "turn to your neighbor and say, 'he's talkin to you'".  This was, "RACHEL...you're not comfortable with the questions, but I am.  I AM."

My pattern is to fix.  To talk, figure, "help".
I learned this weekend from my brother that:
I need to listen more.
I need to be present.
To trust God more and myself less.
To love wholeheartedly.
To love someone even when they don't listen to you.
To let go of my illusion of control.
To understand the difference between the ideal and where I am and be ok with that.
To make steps toward the ideal and live with the process.
To ask questions.
As we went back over some of our individual histories,I asked Jason, "how have you seen God working through all this?".  He responded that no one has asked him that question.  It broke my heart.  How many friends do we have that we miss their hearts because we haven't stopped to ask them how it really is?  Let me tell you, I will be asking him that question more often.
Talking less, listening more, praying more.

I love you Jason, God gave me an amazing gift when he gave me you.  Thank you for all you teach me.

here's the song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eA4narr2wyE&feature=related